A little bit about me: my father left when I was a very little baby. What a dick, right? He snuck out of a window, climbed down a drain pipe or some shit and jumped into a waiting car with another woman. My Mom was like “um, i can see all of this. You’re not slick. I just don’t care. Vaya con dios, jackass.”
Sometimes when I tell people that my dad left they’re like “awwwe” and I’m like “no”. He died of a heart attack before I ever got to meet him, thank god. Before that I always have some plaguing sense that I should try to meet him. How awful. That meeting would have been extremely awkward, I honestly shudder to think. I don’t like running into the people in my apartment building because I feel like I never have anything to say. I can’t even imagine having to talk to my deadbeat father for the first time? “Soo, Dad, like do you believe in angels?”
Growing up without a father in the house was a little strange. You know my friends would come over and be like “where’s your dad, it’s just your mom? That’s weird.” I’d be like “Um, there’s a middle aged man walking around your house with his bathrobe open while we’re trying to watch Duck Tales. That’s also weird.”
Not having a father means that I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to be treated by a man. Guys are like ‘hey bitch I like you saggy titties’ I’m like ‘ohhh thankssss’ Like, the other day some guy told me he wanted to wear me on his dick, and I thought it was romantic considering how particular most men are about what they wear.
Aside from that, I now have very serious abandonment issues because of my father’s graceful exit from my life. My abandonment issues are so bad that I even got bummed out when I found out my HPV was eventually going to go away.
Doctor: “Liz, you have HPV”
Me: ” What do you mean?”
Doctor: “HPV is a virus which affects about 85% of adults. In certain cases it has been linked to Cervical Cancer, so we’ll do a biopsy to make sure you’re clear on that front. Probably nothing serious, but we want to be safe.”
Me: “What do you mean? When you nod your head yes, but you want to say no. Be more straigh forward.”
Doctor: “I understand this is cause for concern but don’t worry. While yes it can be fairly serious, but not in most cases. And your body naturally processes HPV, so with a year it will have left you”
Me: “Where are you now that I need you? Can’t find you anywhere, where are you now?”
Doctor: “Wait a second, are you just quoting Justin Beiber lyrics to me?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s just something that I do when I get nervous. Is it too late to say I’m sorry? I’m missing more than just your body…
My friend just got diagnosed with Herpes. Her doctor says it’s going to be with her for the rest of her life. I was like “Stop fucking bragging”