Ray Kurzweil Would Get It


I smoke too much weed and it’s making me paranoid. The other day I got really paranoid about my relationship with my computer. I was just online dicking around, you know Googling up on crystals, as you you do. I totally zoned out, and I realized that I had wandered onto the Apple website and was shopping for a new computer using my existing computer…which is kind of fucked up when you think about it. I mean I have a really close relationship with my computer. I’m definitely closer with my computer than I am with any human on this Earth. My computer and I sleep in bed together every night. It’s there when I go to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning. My computer knows absolutely everything about me. For example, my passwords. WHAT ARE MY PASSWORDS, COMPUTER. My Chromebook knows more about me then I do about myself. So if my computer got pissed off at me, I’d be in pretty deep shit. What if my computer got really angry at me, and revenge posted all of my recent Google searches on Facebook? Queries like: “How much period blood is too much period blood” or “Can you die from not having sex” or “which of the golden girls are still alive” or “how would i know if i was crazy” or “symptoms of encephalitis” or “how to get rid of sleep crying” or “how to update a mom haircut” or “how many people each year die alone”

Or what if my computer decided to punish me by emailing all of my sexy Facebook chats to my mom. I’m actually not THAT worried about this. I don’t usually get that far in sexy chat windows because I’m a real stickler for grammar and punctuation.  Some dude is all ‘u gonna cum’ and i’m like ‘no i’m not GOING to COME because GONNA is not a word’. I actually think my mom would be pretty proud about my unwavering dedication to the written word.

So basically what I’ve imagined here is the technological singularity. My pot addled mind imagines that machines will become self aware enough to feel jealousy, and I will be the first victim of their revenge. It’s like the whole Terminator movie series was triggered by one event. Some idiot at Cyberdyne was using Skynet to look for a new global digital defense system. So Skynet calls up her machines and was all “You will not believe what this motherfucker did…”

Hell hath no fury like a mother board scorned. (groan, that was lame…)


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