Arm Pubes / Learning How to Love Yourself

marilyn

I’m consistently and almost disconcertingly single and I just don’t understand why. I mean do I have a severe psychological addiction to marijuana and a physical addiction to alcohol, but otherwise I’m FINE, no better no worse than most people. I’m passably attractive, I see way grosser monsters making out with each other on the subway every day. Why am I so single? Am I too hard on men? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I not nice enough? Do I come off as desperate? Do men only see me as friends? Is it because I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable? Am I just too old? Too smart? Too dumb? I was recently going through this litany or concerns when I happened to bow my head in despair, and I caught sight of what appears to be a cluster of pubic hairs growing out of a mole right above my elbow. Duh! That’s what it is! Phew.

I imagine an interview with a man who I almost dated. “Oh Liz? Yeah she’s great! Really fun to hang out with, great sense of humor, she’s got hair, and a vagina so I’d obviously have sex with her. Oh why didn’t we ever get together? Well…I tell you what…it’s not that I didn’t want to…it’s just that she’s got this…well **gag** it looks like pubes on her arm **gag** she’s a great girl and everything…but **gag** I just couldn’t see myself with her longterm **gag** I mean if I had a brother who didn’t have eyesight or a sense of touch, one time I inadvertently brushed my hand up against it **gag**, **doubles over, gags**

Some people might ask me why I don’t just trim my arm pube, and believe me, I’ve considered it. But I’ve ruled it out for a couple of reasons 1. I actually have trimmed it before, and everytime I do so it grows back much worse and scarier. Like one of those trees in Africa that grows upside down. Yuck. 2. I’m not going to change myself for some man with a strong gag reflex. Marilyn Monroe once said “If you can’t take me at my arm pubiest, you don’t deserve me at my best.” I stand by that even though I’m sure MM never really said that at all.

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